The English language has approximately 170,000 words currently in use.
And yet somehow there is still no official word for standing in front of an open refrigerator hoping something new will appear.
This is unacceptable.
We have defenestration, a dedicated word for throwing someone out of a window.
We have pogonotrophy, the act of growing and maintaining a beard.
We have jentacular, meaning related to breakfast.
But nothing for checking your email, seeing 47 unread messages, and immediately closing your email.
Clearly, civilization has misplaced its priorities.
At WordSmirk™, we believe language should evolve according to humanity's actual needs.
So we fixed it.
Here are 12 completely unnecessary but desperately needed words we think should exist.
And because we just invented them, please do not correct anyone's pronunciation.
Including ours.
1. Fridgnesia
noun
Opening the refrigerator, forgetting why you opened it, staring inside for twelve seconds, closing it, and then remembering immediately.
Fridgnesia usually progresses through four distinct stages:
- Open refrigerator.
- Stare at cheese.
- Experience complete cognitive shutdown.
- Close refrigerator.
Three seconds later:
“Oh right. Mustard.”
Reopen refrigerator.
Repeat until death.
2. Replyxiety
noun
The increasing psychological burden caused by knowing you need to respond to a message but waiting so long that responding now requires an explanation.
Monday:
“Hey! Want to grab dinner this week?”
Tuesday:
I'll answer later.
Wednesday:
Definitely need to answer that.
Friday:
Now it's awkward.
Three weeks later:
“I have to move to another state.”
There is no other solution.
3. Carticipation
noun
The act of placing products into an online shopping cart with absolutely no intention of buying them.
This is not shopping.
It is retail imagination.
You aren't spending $486.
You're simply exploring the version of yourself who owns seventeen candles, a waffle maker, linen pants, and an industrial label printer.
Checkout is irrelevant.
The cart itself is the experience.
4. Meetastrophe
noun
A meeting that could have been an email but somehow becomes another meeting.
This phenomenon commonly begins with:
“Let's keep this quick.”
Nobody who has ever said this has kept anything quick.
Forty-seven minutes later, someone inevitably announces:
“We probably need a follow-up meeting.”
You stare silently into your webcam.
Your soul leaves your body.
Meetastrophe.
5. Procrastibaking
verb
To suddenly become deeply interested in cooking, baking, cleaning, organizing, or performing household maintenance when an important task needs to be completed.
You have a report due tomorrow.
Obviously, this is the ideal moment to make sourdough.
You haven't baked bread since 2019.
Irrelevant.
The report can wait.
The starter needs you.
6. Scrollnesia
noun
The realization that you have been scrolling through your phone for twenty minutes and cannot remember a single thing you saw.
You saw:
A dog.
A political argument.
Someone making pasta.
An advertisement for shoes.
A woman explaining magnesium.
A man renovating a cabin.
Another dog.
You retained none of it.
But somehow twenty-seven minutes have disappeared.
Modern technology is extraordinary.
7. Doornesia
noun
Forgetting why you entered a room immediately after entering it.
You confidently walk into the kitchen.
You stop.
Nothing.
Your brain has apparently terminated the mission without notifying you.
You return to the original room.
Immediately remember.
Walk back.
Forget again.
At this point, the house is winning.
8. Textpectation
noun
The completely unreasonable belief that someone should respond immediately because you can clearly see they have read your message.
READ 8:42 PM
It is now 8:44.
Interesting.
Very interesting.
Obviously, they could be:
Driving.
Working.
Showering.
Talking to someone.
Handling an emergency.
Or perhaps they have simply decided that your friendship has reached its natural conclusion.
There is no middle ground.
9. Snackcident
noun
When eating one small snack unexpectedly becomes eating enough food to constitute a meal.
You weren't hungry.
You were just going to have one cracker.
Then the cracker needed cheese.
The cheese suggested salami.
The salami introduced olives.
Someone opened hummus.
Suddenly you're standing over the kitchen counter eating what appears to be a Mediterranean tasting menu.
Dinner is in twenty minutes.
Excellent work.
10. Passwordnesia
noun
The sudden inability to remember a password you have successfully entered approximately 900 times.
You know this password.
You have known this password for six years.
Your fingers have typed it automatically hundreds of times.
Today?
Nothing.
You try one.
Incorrect password.
Another.
Incorrect password.
Eventually the website asks:
“Forgot your password?”
No.
I did not.
You stole it from my brain.
11. Pretendicure
noun
The frantic act of cleaning only the parts of your house visitors are likely to see.
Someone texts:
“We're five minutes away.”
You now possess supernatural abilities.
Shoes disappear.
Dishes vanish.
Blankets fold themselves.
Random objects are shoved into drawers with no consideration for whether they belong there.
The bathroom receives seventeen seconds of attention.
The bedroom door closes.
Done.
Your house isn't clean.
It has been strategically edited.
12. Bedgret
noun
The feeling experienced immediately after getting comfortable in bed and realizing you forgot something downstairs.
You have completed the ceremony.
Teeth brushed.
Lights off.
Pillows arranged.
Blanket temperature perfect.
Phone charging.
You are horizontal.
Then your brain whispers:
“You left your water downstairs.”
No.
We live here now.
Water is tomorrow's problem.
Five minutes pass.
You're thirsty.
You attempt to negotiate with yourself.
Eventually you angrily throw off the blanket and march downstairs like someone personally betrayed by hydration.
Bedgret.
The Dictionary Has Failed Us
Perhaps none of these words technically exist.
Yet.
But every word was invented at some point.
Someone once looked at the smell after rain and thought:
Petrichor.
Someone else needed a word for wandering around at night:
Noctivagant.
And somewhere in history, apparently enough people were being thrown out of windows that society agreed:
Defenestration. We definitely need that one.
So we see no legitimate reason snackcident shouldn't eventually receive equal scholarly respect.
Language belongs to everyone.
It's constantly changing, mutating, borrowing, combining, shortening, and occasionally producing words that look like somebody fell asleep on a keyboard.
Maybe dictionaries simply haven't caught up with us yet.
Until then, WordSmirk™ will continue doing its civic duty:
Finding strange words.
Celebrating beautiful words.
Mocking ridiculous words.
And occasionally inventing words because English has inexplicably failed to anticipate our very specific problems.
Now please excuse us.
We need to check the refrigerator.
We don't remember why.
WordSmirk™
There’s a Word for You.
Find it. Wear it. Smirk accordingly.
